As usual,I sit in the bus.No,nothing actually came to my head.Coz I fell asleep.Dunnoe why but today I seem to be so lethargic.Maybe because of little sleep.I don't really know.Even Helen came and asked me why I looked so tired.Sry maam,I can't answer that question because I don't even know.Weird.Out of all the days,thursday is the day I get so freaking tired that my body actually ache.And NO,i'm not pregnant.Sheesh. Labels: I Rest My Case
Things are the same old same old.Nothing actually change,just that I somehow realised hw I've wasted my time not getting to know my classmates.They are realli superb.Especially Abg Zul.He just know me this year and he even treat me.And the projects that they did,I wasn't part of it,but because I didn't have any group,they place me in theirs.I realli appreciate it guys.Seriously,eventhough I don't realli show it,I realli do.
Sometimes,when you think about it.Things happen when you don't expect it.And those stuff that happens are what you don't expect.I wonder why.When I think back,somehow some things are meant to be.If you're realli hoping for an answer for you questions,it will appear.One way or another especially when you least expect it.Maybe its a sign that we're not alone in this world.No matter hw mashed or wrecked up ur life is,He is watching us,guiding and helping when we need it.
Eddy Outs
Learned a few things in life.Things can always be worse.But at this point of time,it doesn't matter does it? Nothing seems to be the way it normally is.Maybe I've change,for better or for the worse,only others know.All I know now is that I've change. Labels: Heart to heart, Step by stepWednesday, July 30, 2008
If somehow,I've change to the worse,then I apologise,If I change for the better,than thats great ryte?
Mistakes happens all the time,and I made the worse.I admit,but if I could control this heart,it wouldn't happen.I know I've said that I won't turn back time even if I could.Right now,even when this happened,I still won't.No matter how much that mistakes cost me.I learn from mistakes,and yea,I've lost people who I care,but hey,real friends stays and help not fade away.I'm not implying anything here,I'm just saying generally.Don't take it personally.
Life has always been a bitch.No matter hw you try to fix it,things still happen.Maybe not the same way,maybe not the same time.But if you sit down and think back,its always a loop.The mistakes you did will happen again onli a different way.A different scenario.Its not that we've nvr learned,its just that it happened for a reason.Maybe to remind you,maybe to show hw many possible ways it could occur.Its nature just like eating,no matter hw you try,you can't restraint yourself from making mistakes,nor can you restraint yourself from eating.Its the same thing.Not literally.
Things happen can never be un-done.No matter what you do,it still occured.All that you can do is accept it and move on.But always remember to apologise.No matter what,even if people do not accept it,its the only thing you could do.You can't turn back time,its gods will.I'm not trying to preach nor trying to teach,its just that things have been goin way to fast for me.Things are piling up,day by day.I still have to face it,sooner or later.And right now,I'm facing it one by one.No more waiting,no more running.
Like I've said,I've change.For the better,maybe for the worse.
Eddy Outs..
As suspected.You want to know the whole truth,here it is. Labels: We're Done
That night,I wasn't even thinking of playing you nor was I even thinking of hurting you.What I've said,I meant it.You know it yourself,you know that I'm not the type to play behind you back.I wasn't planning to make a fool of you,I was just saying what I feel.Yea sure,at that point of time,I do have feelings for her,but I didn't say it becoz I'm afraid of exactly this.For god's sake,you knw me better than the rest,and to think you could even think that way really disgust me.To tell you the truth,I had to lie becoz I dun want this to happen,since it already occured due to my fucking drunkness,I'll tell you everything now.
Yea sure,I lied to you,but hey,its not like you didn't lie to me.Everybody lie to each other.I've told you before,somethings are meant to be a secret.When she replied that msg,I was quite shocked.I didn't realise what I did and I didn't have the fucking guts to tell you.I know hw you would react and I know this would happen.You could say that you won't react the way you are right now,but you will.The least you could do was come ask me what happened before jumping to any conclusion.But no,you chose this path.Yea sure,I made a fucking huge mistakes.And you dun even fucking know hw fucking worried I was on that day you came late.You can ask her yourself,I regreted encouragin you.And its not because of the reason you think that I encouraged you.
I didnt say anything about my feelings exactly because of this reason.And all I can do right now is apologise,whether u accept it or not,I do not know.You chose your path and I've chosen mine.All I'm saying is,the least you could do is not make things awkward for the rest.
Eddy Outs
And so it comes back to this.Thinking is the only way I can analyze things.Yet,somehow even when I let my mind wanders around,it will get into the thinking section.Sickening yet somehow it makes me grow more mature.Get answers to every questions I have.Get a solution to every problem I've got and maybe get.Sometimes I just wish I don't think too much.Just go with the flow with life.Accept things for what they are and not have any questions.Haiz.. Labels: Never start with "Once upon a time", Nor end with "They lived happily ever after"Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Bus ride to school got me thinking.(Again!)So what if I got the courage to find someone who'll be there,accept me for who I am,and be the person that's perfect for me.Will I lead a happy life or will things just be another loop? And somehow the answer came to me.Why bother with what's gonna happen in the future? If its meant to be den so be it.If she cheats or lie so be it.Don't bother and just move on.
And one thing leads to another.Somehow nowadays I dun really bother with anything.In my head,there's just me and those who want my help.If people go around talking behind my back,den so be it.It doesn't matter,nothing will change.If people don't want me around,then so be it,I can go around alone.Its not like I'm desperate for anything.Its poly life.People come,people go.Its all whether its meant to be or nt.
I guess working really changed me.I dun realli hang out with anyone,other than my secondary schmates.Its true hw secondary schmates stays,the rest of our friends actually come and go.Guess they are what we call true friends.Thx Fiq!
Eddy Outs
Went Bugis yesterday to hand in my schedule for work.Thought wanted to ask Safie along,but then he pangsey me,so in the end I called Fiq.Well,I guess its his luck coz I recommended him to Mummy and he got the job on the spot.Haha.Here's was what happened at Bugis. Labels: Walking uphill from here.Monday, July 28, 2008
Reached there and I told Fiq to wait outside ferst.So I went to talk to Mummy and put in my schedule.Den ask her if still got space,so she say have.Like Obviously.So while Fiq filled up the application form,I went to order waffle for my brother.But then Mummy look at me like I'm goin crazy.She den say: "Go make yourself la.No need to buy wat.You know hw to make alrdy." LOLS.So,I got the luxury of eating free waffles.Haha.
So while doin waffle,my friends all started bugging me to make for them waffle.=_="
Not working still need to do waffle for them.Haiyo.Haha.After making my waffle,I asked my friend take pick up.She asked which table,so I told her 45 since Fiq sitting there.
Funny part is that both of them blur2.Fiq scared to death coz he nvr order anything.Then the gurl also dumb2 thought wrong table.Hahaha.I was laughing my ass off sia.Fun to disturb ppl.Lols.
So this week,Fiq gonna work with me.I requested he partner with me so I can teach him.The rest next time then I teach.Haha.
Another day passed without any regrets of my decision.I took my path and they took theirs.It actually give me more free time and get closer with my classmates.Plus I spend lesser.Haha.Like I've said to many ppl,1 frend gone,5 would come.And its kinda true.People come,people go.Thats life.
Eddy Outs
Fucking tired after work.Friday was okay,ended at 2 and reached home at 330,so had onli about 6hrs sleep,which is enough if my legs were nt aching.Den back to work at 12 ytd.Thought end at 11,den Makcik say Cine not enough people,so go there and work till 4 am just now.Had a good sleep,dreaming bout that gurl.Haha.Sunday, July 27, 2008
She's is kinda cute yet irritating.Everytime act cute.Working with her is fun.Heck,the people at Bugis are all fun.Haha
Next..
So I kinda get the fucking point now.I'm not part of the group,wait.Heck,I wasn't since a long time ago right.Even when I'm there,its not like I exist.As I've said,I get the fucking point.I'm not wanted.So be it.Whats the fucking reason,I dun know.And if you're who you've said before,the least you could do is explain.But hey,I'm not one to wait nor bother.Right now I've got other things to worry about.
After a long pause...
Ok.Cleared things out of my system.I didn't know taking the bus could be depressing you knw.Especially if you're using adult fair.Bloody hell things are getting to expensive in Singapore.Haiz
Eddy Outs..
Been watching Buffy too much now.Willow is just so cute,I think I'm addicted to her.Weird thing to be addicted to.She doesn't even exist,though Alyson Hannigan does.Maybe I am crazy.O wells,at least it doesn't hurt me.Since this addiction,been researching some stuff on witchcraft.Kinda interesting.Kinda weird too.Seems fun though. Labels: Bored Now..Thursday, July 24, 2008
People come,people go.Thats hw life is.And I come to the point where it doesn't reali affect me much.So what if I'm a loner,so what if I go places alone.At least it doesn't bother anybody nor trouble them.Plus,give me time to think and all.Like I've said,I live my life in shadow.No one notice me,and the day past.Pathetic? Yes,it is.Lonely? Yes,kinda is.But,truth is,its my place and hw I am.Accept it.I do.Dun accept,den too bad.
Bus rides are the weirdest place to have deep thoughts.Yet,I do.Trees,buildings,cars passing by,give me thoughts.Deep thinking that I dun even know hw to explain.Maybe I'm just weird the way I am.I am what I am.
Eddy Outs
I'm Under Your SpellWednesday, July 23, 2008
I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
It didn't seem so sad, though
I figured that was my place
Now I'm bathed in light
Something just isn't right
I'm under your spell
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?
It's magic, I can tell
How you set me free
Brought me out so easily
I saw a world enchanted
Spirits and charms in the air
I always took for granted
I was the only one there
But your power's shown
Brighter than any of I've known.
I'm under your spell
Nothing I can do
You just took my soul with you
You worked your charms so well
Finally, I knew
Everything I dreamed was true
You make me believe!
Ahhhh, ahhh, ahhh.
The moon to the tide
I can feel you inside
I'm under your spell
Surging like the sea
Wanting you so helplessly
I break with every swell
Lost in ecstasy
Spread beneath my willow tree
You make me complete!
You make me complete
You make me complete
You make me...
So its true then.I thought I would be proven wrong,maybe it was just me,just maybe what I assumed was wrong,that things were not the way I thought it is.Yet,once again,I'm right.Been a few days now,nothing has yet to change.People come,people go.I just didn't expect that person to go.Am back to square one,again and again and again.For fuck sake,I'm sick of this shit.The loops goes on and on and on.Is there no fucking ending to this shit?
Heck,I'm better off like this.Not denying that.Can focus more on my studies,more on my practises.Only Zara knows.Haha.Maybe I can change things by doin this you know.Damn tv shows can realli influence you.Irritating but who cares,I'm somehow interested in it since long ago.Who knows,I might just make it. =D
So much things goin on.And I guess I'm just going through the motion.Going with the flow,not making much of whats happening.Exams are coming so fast,then theres the bloody attachments,and I just dunno where I'm headed to.Guess thats the price you have to pay for going with the flow.Well,at least its better than being totally lost.If onli I know whats my purpose.Heck,if only everybody knows their purposes,no one will go through with all this craps.
Eddy Outs
I just dun understand.If there's something wrong,why nt just get it straight from me? I'm not the type to open up about stuff,but when someone approach me with something,yea sure,I'll open up.There's no need to show ignorance.Maybe I did something you can't accept,so tell me.People make mistakes,theres no need to show all this things. Labels: Sickening as I am..Sunday, July 20, 2008
Been tired after work,been losing weight,been losing appetite to eat,and somehow now,been losing friends.I dun know why,I dun intend to find out.Like I've said,if I'm not welcome,I'll gladly leave.Maybe I'm overeacting,maybe I'm not.Maybe its just the way I am,maybe you can't deal with it.Maybe bottling up is all I can do since there are few people that I realli trust.Maybe,just maybe.
Heck.Somehow working made me think more than usual.It kinda change me a bit.I tend to talk to people more.But there was this cute gurl,my eye-candy.Didnt get the chance to get her name since I onli talk to her at the end of my shift.Wasted,but hey,who knws,I might see her again.Fate is something I lack off,but there is something called wishing.Thats all I can do now.My life is just full of wishes,non granted so far.
Good thing not working tmr,or else I will be half dead.I rather be dead actually.No need to face all these things thats coming.The one person I can turn to is quite busy with his life.Though there are many that I can talk to,I can't seem to get the chance.So,in conclusion,my life sucks.Enjoy laughing at me while you still can.
Eddy Outs..
Somehow I seem to be a loner.No one seems to care where I go.Even when I disappear,none will questions.Well,except the lecturers anyways.Sickening they are.Somehow I feel like I'm invisible and I dun realli mind.I live my life in shadow,never the sun on my face.It didnt seem so sad though,I figured that was my place.And I seem to be hook on to Willow Rosenberg in the tv series Buffy. She's cute and hot no matter what people say ok. Labels: Depress Much, Prefers DeadThursday, July 17, 2008
Nothing much to update recently.Since updated yesterday,so still the same old same old. Though my ppd getting low,so nid to top up asap.But somehow I don't bother already coz no one actually calls me.Seldom anyone msgs me so kinda good coz can save up my pocket money.
So much things coming up.I just wish I can turn to someone just to talk to.Since not in the same class as Zara,things are quite hard now.Not that I totally depend on her,though sometimes I do,its just that I kinda miss someone who can realli help me out.Honestly,I tink I'm gettin more and more depress.One by one they turn from me,I guess my friends can't face the cold.Why I froze,not one among them knows,and never can be told.
Haiz..
Eddy Outs.
Somehow,she realli made my day. Just by saying those few words through MSN,it kinda makes me feel better. All the stuff thats been goin on,somehow makes me too tired to care. Parents naggin,friends ditching,all I do is just say ok,and move on,not bothering to care what happen.Sometimes I don't even bother to reply.But a few minutes back,what she said,it kinda make me smile till now.While typing this blog,for not apparent reason,I'm still smilling.If you realli knw me,you'll knw I rarely smile.So,realli big thanks to LiLing.:D Labels: Living Life In Shadows..Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Life is sickening.Seriously.I don't even know why I bother to continue.Each time some random couple walk pass,its just so depressing you knw.Yea,I got over her long time back,but I somehow want to get that feeling back.The passion for someone.The feeling of being loved by someone.And its getting sickening every single day.Did a survey just now in skewl about coping with depression or something like that.And I answered everything according to what I feel.And somehow,I read back the questions,I'm quite a depressing person.
I try not to affect people around me.Fake smiles flies all over.Laughter just appear after lame jokes.Disturbing ppl,making them irritated so that they'll notice I exist.Even some days,I just feel invisible.Even in my own house.Parents would ask where I am eventhough I'm inside my room just staring blankly out the window.Sometimes I just wish my bedroom door could be lock.No one can come in and see what I'm doing.Who knws,I might even kill myself.
Eddy Outs..
Staring out the window in the bus,it got me thinking. I'm far from those I'm close to. Somehow I unconsciously avoid them,not wanting to let them knw who I realli am. What I do and what I say,somehow its being controled.Telling them things thats just on the surface,not those I realli feel. I dunnoe why I do it,I dunnoe whats causing this. Labels: I'm walking around shits.Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Maybe its because of what I've went through all this years. Every single time I trust someone,they backstab me.And I wouldn't be surprise if there are people backstabbing me rite now.I may not be likeable,I may not be someone you'll get close too just by saying hi,but that does not give anyone the right to backstab me.It happened to me millions of times,and maybe thats the reason why I dun want to get too close to someone.
Enough is enough. Seriously,I had enough with shit happening to my life.Every single day,every single time! Will there ever be a day where things will go the way I want it to be.Maybe it onli happen in movies but at least,though the minimal chances,just once I wish it would happen. Somehow I'm walking around shits. Everywhere I go I'll just step on shit.Sickening it is.Haiz..
Eddy Outs..
Back again to update properly now.Especially after I had more rest than yesterday.Hmm,so where shall I start? Nvm,i've updated the most important stuff thats been goin on anyways. Labels: Life's a bitch, so is AngelineMonday, July 14, 2008
Had NSL prac today.Fucking bitch gave me 25 becoz she thought that I teach the students wrong stuff.And somehow my presenting skills is not up to standard.Even those who were with were shock as they expected me to get quite a high mark.Wasted my fucking effort on that.
Sleep on stage gave me red eyes.Woken up by noisy year 1's and Adilah for calling me.Lucky she called,or else I tink I'll be sleeping till tmr.That was how tired I was k.
Dota made me and Ayus depressed coz after 2 mths of not playing,we totally sucks!!!O well,not a dota freak anyways.Had fun though we got our ass kick. Finally have a life where I get to blog and msn. Work realli makes me think I have no life. Though there are pretty chio girls down there. Haha.
Thoughts for the day...
Yesterday wedding made me wonder if I'll ever meet that someone.My cousin met her husband 5 years ago,and they were together for 4 years.Thats damn long.And seeing my past relationships,will I ever get that far? Most probably I'll die before getting there.Seriously,I dunnoe whether I'll ever get married. Too depressing life is,that I just don't bother anymore.Pathetic isn't it..
The last rejection just got my morale down.No more please.I don't think I can handle it.Even this I can't handle,what would be next.Haiz..
Just got back from cousin wedding.It was grest.All those hoo-hahs about the bride and the groom.Doesn't matter to me,but what made it great was the CREAM PUFFS!! Haha. Serious shit its damn nice.Basically all I did was become a waiter for some people,running around to take water. And part-time photgrapher for snap shots.Had fun catching up with my cousins.One of my cousin actually ask what I'm doin for now. So I told her, Full-time Nurse,Part=time waiter and Part-time photographer. Haha Labels: Fishball eyesSunday, July 13, 2008
At around 5 people started leaving already.So my uncle syco me go karaoke. =_="
So in the end duet with my cousin,Salmi. Lols.I cocked up the song.Her voice damn nice sia. O wells,resting time is after I finish up my presentation.
Eddy Outs..
Been busy lately,school and work after that. But its been fun. People there are friendly and very fun to hang out with. Plus free food and drinks,so its all good. Tiring nights leads to goodnyte sleep. Yet leading to weird dreams.Tried waffles at shokudo and damn its nice.Especially with Cookies and Cream ice cream!! Cineleisure seems better during weekdays,yet weekends are crazy hoes.Plus nowadays keep goin Bugis,so yea. Labels: Fishballs for EyesSaturday, July 12, 2008
Somehow I'm using work as an excuse to just avoid her. Maybe,maybe not. I dunnoe,but all this while being busy,it kinda make me miss her.Haiz..
Too tired to think too much. Gonna go wedding later on and straight to work. Sickening. Though its fun but weekend sucks! Too many people seem to have no home! For god's sake,go home by 11.Suffering succatash!
Eddy Outs
The words seemed to be all blurred.Maybe I was too high to know what I'd said,but I know I meant every word I said.And ryte now,I'm in denial,hoping that its not true.Angry,at myself for being so dumb.Bargaining,just saying to myself that it was just a dream.Depress,as usual like I am but at this point,I'm just feeling so low,nothing seem to be making me feel better. Labels: Anger, Bargaining, Denial, Depression Just A Few..Sunday, July 6, 2008
I've said before,another rejection and there goes everything.Somehow I'm just so down that even watching Friends seems dull.Haiz..
I guess I have nothing more to be said.
Eddy Outs..
Staying up all night,it kept me wondering.What my mum said was kinda correct.Somehow I avoid being close with her.And I thought bout it,I guess I go the answer. Labels: Thinking too much..Saturday, July 5, 2008
Somehow,I'm afraid of what she say.She keeps naggin about me goin out and all,and the more she nags,the more I go out,hang out till late at night.Maybe becoz she nags at me and notice me,but most of all,the reason is becoz staying at home is just plain boring.And every single time I'm free,she'll make me be busy.Running errands for her,sending stuff,goin shops,the usual stuff.Since I'm in primary skewl,I kept doing all those stuff,and I guess I had enough.I don't want to stay home and rot,I too want to go out and hang out with my friends,just have fun.
I guess its too much now.Seems like I keep goin out every single day.But I can't help it,theres nothing to do at home.Even when she's at home,I'll be staying in my room,mind ing my own business.Doing the usual stuff,just staring at the comp and wasting my time.Haiz,sorry mom,but thats the way I am.I'm not good at socializing,even with you,its kinda hard for me to open up.There are many things you wouldn't understand coz you're still stuck with the thinking that I can't take care of myself.
And so I think again.Why do I fall in love with the wrong people? Ayus asked me this question: What type of girlfriend do I want?
Honestly,I just want someone that loves me for who I am.Someone that I can spoil,and just pamper yet not step over my head.As usual,the 3 charecteristic must be there. Loving,Understanding and Caring.And somehow,looking at my past,its hard to get that type of person. Now that I fell for someone,I don't really know whether it will happen. Maybe coz I'm afraid that history would repeat again and again. I don't want to be the type thats just flirt around without having someone that I really love and care for.Yes,I admit,I do flirt around,but when it comes to that particular person,things are different.There are variables that I need to think about. I don't really know how to explain it.Its just with this particular person,I'm all nervous and afraid to talk to her. Maybe coz I fall in love again and it kinda hurts me that she don't notice.Its depressing realli.My life is just too pathetic.
Haiz..
Eddy Outs..
4 different feelings in one day.I dont really know about night time,but most probably happy i guess. So a whole day of shopping can really show how many feelings that person has.So first bored due to the levi's warehouse sale,coz it totally sucks big time.Pissed coz of what mum said,for god's sake,most of the black shirts I buy is using my own money.Happy coz went to Expo instead to shop,and got all the stuff I want. Labels: People Nowadays..Friday, July 4, 2008
But Ayus,we still need to go Cotton's On!! Haha,yet still pissed after that coz of mum again.But now relax already since at home,and just chattin with Ayus.
So yea,why the fuck call me when you just need fucking help? You think I'm gonna be bothered? Cmon la,look in the mirror,and think of what you've done to me.You still dare to ask help from me like nothing had happened? I won't be bothered,plus I got her to think about and help. I dun need another person who's from the past to destroy it.And no,I dun wanna care what you need. Lets make things clear here,you chose your own path,and I've taken mine,so GET LOST!!
Eddy Outs..
Been hectic yesterday.Went to physio and rush to ICA building just to make my stupid IC.Yet,had fun due to Ayu accompanying me.So had a very late lunch at Beach Road.Mutton chop made us happy! Walked around Bugis and talking like there's no tomorrow.Today most probably gonna go shopping,so yea,could be fun. Hopefully.
Somehow I kinda get a point.You're just avoiding me,and I'm somehow of an outlaw to you.Not welcomed nor invited st all.Guess its clear to me now. If thats the way it is,then fine,why bother ryte? There are many people out there,eventhough I'm not realli good at socializing,bt there are many people out there. Ryte now,I just couldn't be bothered. Somehow just goin out with Ayus,Black and Hirzi is far more enjoyable than goin out with others.
So yea,I got you're point,so don't bother asking msging me or calling me. I don't need to be someone's last resort. Heck,i deserve far better than this type of treatment.
Eddy Outs..
Finally got a job.Thanks to ayus of course. :D Gonna start work next week with her at Japanese Pasta and Cuisine. Kinda cool place,got a lot of nice ppl around.Those that can realli joke around with.Who knows,after a whole month of chiong-ing for work,can settle all my debts with brother.And then there goes the ROADTRIP! Hopefully works though. Labels: Thanking Ayus For The JobWednesday, July 2, 2008
Finally after about 5 days of nt sleeping well,had a great sleep yesterday.Maybe coz too tired already. But yet I had a weird dream. I don't realli remember the dream bt I knw its weird causing me to wake up at 1030am.Sickening.
Hmm,somehow it came to a point where its obvious that her feelings will never be the same as mine. Although I didnt say anything or explain everything,its kinda obvious.She won't bother contacting me unless I'm the last resort. And even when I try to contact her,there won't be any replies. Kinda got the point,and yea,maybe moving on seems easier this way. Guess it won't matter anymore.My heart seems to be emotionless already. Haiz..
Eddy Outs..