A question I've asked myself for a long time now..Do I think too much? And it hits me that I do,if not,why am I thinking bout it.I guess thats why I turn out to be this way.Someone who uses sarcastic remarks just to make people laugh so that they won't know the real me.I guess its part of me that I don't know about.Being this way is just who I am.And when I think about something,I just don't know when to stop,when to talk,or even when to let it out.Maybe thats the reason I'm always so-called emoing,keeping quiet and like many people say not smilling.
Usually I don't even know what I'm thinking about.Whats in my mind,whats bothering me.And the more I think about stuff,the more things hits me.I guess maybe I'm mentally unstable.I will try to get the every simple solution and yet question myself again.Haiz..
It bothers me how my own thinking affects people around me.Maybe becoz of what I did,we started drifting apart.Making them not liking me for who I am.If its true,I guess I'm the one who's suppose to apologise,not just act like I don't give a damn.I've made a lot of mistake back then and I'm sorie.If its realli my fault,I just wish that someone show it to me instead of showing that I'm not welcomed.I know I rather be alone,rather keep things to myself,maybe even become a hermit,but they made me feel like I could be open to them,but knowing myself,I won't be open unless they start the conversation.
I'm juz babbling now...I guess I'm meant to be a loner...Haiz
Eddy Outs..
Sometimes,I get the thinking that somehow I don't belong anywhere.Even in skewl, somehow the onli person thats there is Ayus.She's there for me every single time and yet I still feel alone,not wanted.But I realli thx her coz she''s been a good brother to me. And to me,she's more than just a brother,she's like a family to me. Someone I can turn to when I'm down,someone that will always cheer me up with her craziness. And for that I thank you ayus..Thursday, May 29, 2008
Trouble mind is just wasted on me. I want her to be here,I want her to find me special. I want her to be someone that I can turn to,and I want her just to be mine.But there's juz nothing I can do.Every time theres just something stoppin me.I can't speak my mind becoz. Jus becoz...Haiz..
She's in my heart even when I don't think of it.And I get hurt without her doing anything.Maybe thats wat hurts me the most,I'm just not noticed by her.Maybe I'm being stupid,being selfish,but I just want her so badly.I guess its just not meant to be.She's just someone I can never get.Maybe he was ryte,I should just forget it.And people wonder why I do stupid things.The answer is simple,I rather have physical hurt than emotional hurt.Thats just the way I am..
Eddy Outs..
Back to back,there's just someone or something that ruins my day. No,I'm being pissed or angry,I'm just saying what I've been keeping for a long time.Wednesday, May 28, 2008
1st of all,once you plan something,DO IT!
2nd of all,if ur so-called "jiwe" is there,you all won't forger us inside your plan
3rd of all,not once,but twice you all did this
And honestly,I don't even think your "jiwe" is towards us. If there's realli "jiwe", there won't be secrets where onli the 4 of u knw. So yea,thats what I feel.And I have had enough.
Orites,'Nuf said...
I realli don't know whats wrong with me. Every single time this happens,and every single time i fall.And I try to pick myself up and when I'm standing up,brushing off the dirt,I fall yet again.And this time,there's nothing I can do about it. There are some things that I can't even explain.Why fall when I know there's no way,not a single chance for me to get that person. Life's a bitch,no matter what,there's just nothing that can turn ryte.
The hardest thing to do is to live...
Eddy Outs..
Sometimes i think,why bother with them when I already know the outcome? Why do I still continue doing what I do? And I realise,maybe becoz one of them juz attracts me. And the things we do for someone is just so dumb. Oh wells, no matter. None of them know me yet. Thats all I can say..Monday, May 26, 2008
Eddy Outs..
There I go again,been thinking a lot about this,and somehow it just doesn't make sense. There are just somethings I can't explain,and there are just some things I can't say.I really wish I could say it out,just let things out in the open and just get things over and done with. Yet,my mind tells me not to and my heart trying hard to find every single possible solution out of this. To think that I could just take a step back and be an observer or maybe just forget everything about her,but each and every single day,my heart tries to reach out for her,calling out her name,just hoping that one day she will notice me.Friday, May 23, 2008
Looking back,there were many things I hide from people. Sometimes I just wonder whether those who said they know me,really know me.Coz right now,I don't think I even know myself. If these people say they really know me,why don't they understand me. Knowing someone and understanding someone is 2 different thing. Right now I don't understand why I fell so hard and have these feelings. Surely,I had enough of relationship,the last one turned to be fucked up and due to that,I somehow lost all my confidence and even my self-esteem. Yea sure,I've move on,trying hard to forget every single thing possible. But no matter how hard it is,it just comes back.
Its seriously like a game. No matter how hard I fall,get hurt,beat it up on myself,I still repeat the things I did before. Yea sure these stuff may be the stepping stone to what will happen in the future,but what's the point? I'm just climbing up a stairs that doesn't end. And every single time I see the light or any type of ending,I fall. And as I fall,all the tears,the blood,the guts from my body just came out. Yet when I reached the floor,I start climbing up,going after something that I can't reach. Even if its ten years or decades,the person thats in my heart is not the person that I will get.
So I ask myself,why bother? Why care about all this? Why even try when I know it will eventually end? Is it because in my heart I want the challenge? Or maybe because in my heart,somewhere inside,hoping that the next person will be the one? My life is full of "maybe"s...
Eddy Outs...
Heyz..Saturday, May 17, 2008
Ever got that someone out there who's always been there for you? Always ryte by your side? Always helping you like a guardian angel? Yet,at the same time,can go crazy with you? Can get so emo that you feel like you could have done something to make things better? The one person you know everything about and yet surprise u still?
I do...
You've always been there for me.Always making me feel better when I'm emoing.Always staying by my side,telling me funny yet logic stuff.Cheering me up although you do the most stupidest stuff ever like saying "tele kote kote".The one person that has been there always juz to make me feel entertain.And somehow we always think of the same things to say when some people talk.You would call me just to ask where I am so we could hang out or even juz go smoke together.We share the same emotions and do some stupid stuff and yet we would be happy after that coz of each other.We would even shit at the same time with cubicle side by side and still make jokes.Even when I do the most stupidest stuff like breaking a mirror,you were the one who bandaged it up,telling me to chill,telling me I deserve better.You have always been there for me Ayu,and I feel guilty for what happened.But I juz want you to know,you've been there for me every single day since I met you,and nothing would make me to destroy out friendship.Coz to me,you're more than a friend,you're like an elder brother,blood brother,family..
Eddy Outs..
Thank you for everything Ayu :D
Heyz..Thursday, May 15, 2008
Ever wonder how life would be if things were done differently? Lets say like,you went to the left instead of turning right so that you could avoid the drain you're gonna fall into..Something like tat? yea?
Anyways,been thinking about it for quite some time now.What if I made different choices from what I did? What if I turn back time an undid all the mistake that I've done? Heck,even if I get to choose this so called power,I wouldn't.Yea,sure,people would say why not? You could be a better person,or maybe even get richer or whatever.True,there are many things I wish I didn't do and so many times I wish that I could undo it.But the thing is,the mistakes I did made me the person I am ryte now.All the mistakes and all the achievements.And I rather be the person I am ryte now and have the bestest friends rather than being someone who's different and have different people as friends.Yea,sure I may never knw if it turn out to be better,but heck,I still choose here and now rather than what could have been.
Hmm,Insyirah asked me a question which I ask to my frends. "If you could have 1 power,what would it be? Y?". This question can realli tell about someone's personality.In my case,I like to fly.Juz fly up there,get away from civilisation,get away from all the people below,get away from all the problems. Juz fly and hang around,letting time pass by,letting my mind relax.Juz get a bird's eye view of everything.Haiz..How pathetic life is sometimes...
Eddy Outs...
The one song stuck inside my head due to SOMEONE CALLED JOVI!!!! ARGGH!!!Sunday, May 11, 2008
But hey,its a nice song...Basket Jovi,gonna kill you on monday..
Cry-Rihanna
[verse one]
I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'Cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got that whole in love thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing
[bridge]
My mind is gone
I'm spinnin round
And deep inside
My tears I'll drown
I'm losin grip
What's happenin
I strayed from love
This is how I feel
[chorus]
This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what, you'll never see me cry
[verse two]
Did it happen when we first kissed
'Cause it's hurtin me to let it go
Maybe cause we spent so much time
And I know its no more
I should have never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us part
I didn't give it to you on purpose
Can't figure out how you stole my heart
[bridge]
My mind is gone
I'm spinnin round
And deep inside
My tears I'll drown
I'm losin grip
What's happenin
I strayed from love
This is how I feel
[chorus]
This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what, you'll never see me cry
[verse three]
How did I get here with you I'll never know
I never meant to let it get so personal
And after all I tried to do
To stay away from lovin' you
I'm broken hearted I can't let you know
And I won't let it show
You won't see me cry
[chorus] [2x]
This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what, you'll never see me cry
All my life
Eddy Outs...
Heyz..Thursday, May 8, 2008
Ever wonder why some people just look at you weirdly..? In my case,its nt some,somehw its like most of the people I knw and even strangers in the MRT..Am I that ugly that people look..er,no wait,stare would be more appropriate..at me every single time? Its kinda creepy,though Im used to it by now..
To those who've been asking me whats wrong,well,here's the answer. Everything. Somehow since I lost her,everything juz seems different.No one to hug,no one to pamper and spoil,no one who would always be there juz to talk.I guess it was a big impact on me.But I knw 1 thing,things will be the same even if she's still here.Yea,sure there are people to talk to,people to chat with,people to hang around to make life seems fun,but theres that emptyness,hollow feeling,knowing that there won't be someone I could juz let out my feelings,someone that I could realli love.Maybe thats juz why I look tired,so glum,moody,depressed,watever u wanna call it..
Its not that I dun appreciate people asking me whats wrong..Its juz that I dunnoe hw to answer to that.Every single time,I try to act like there's nothing bothering me.Be happy,enjoy life with frends.But theres juz one thing that I realli miz..Someone who could juz hug me,someone that I feel so comfortable with that I dun care whats goin on in the world..Someone who could juz be there for me,even if the sun drops down to earth,and I won't care coz she's beside me.Holding me..Haiz..
I guess its juz not fated..Its juz not meant to be...
Till den,gdnyte
Eddy Outs..
Heyz..Monday, May 5, 2008
Ever thought of trying to stop whatever you're doing and just sulk your way through the nite,hidden from everyone..No one in the room but you,lights off,curtains closed..Juz darkness surrounding..Sitting,staring blankly into no where..Juz sulking,nt wanting to share your feelings,not wanting to tell people,juz emotionless..
Haiz..
Sometimes when I tink of it..The onli ppl who knws who I realli am is my brother..Even so,he don't realli knw what I've been through,what I'm thinking,what I'm feeling..And I wonder,when people say they knw me,do they realli? There are so many things that I hide away..Not wanting people to know..Maybe thats wat makes me who I am..Juz another person with a troubled mind..Guess the lines ryte,behind every smile,theres sadness,fear,hate..
Am I going crazy by doing what I'm doing or is it juz me? Sometimes I dun even know myself..Whats the purpose of me being here anyway? Guess its juz nt time to know yet..
Till den,gdnytes
Eddy Outs..
And we both go down togetherSaturday, May 3, 2008
we'd stay there forever
just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
and never let go
Well i'm thinking of the worst things
that i could say to you
but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore
and this never will be right with me
and now you're trying to desperately
but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say
And then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go
I could only sing you sad songs
and you could sing along
and you could see the melody
that's been calling out your wrongs
and this never will be right with me
and now you're trying to desperately
but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say
but i never told you everything
i'm losing hope and fading dreams
and every single memory along the way
And then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go
And we both go down together
and stay there forever
just try to get up
And then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go
Dedicated to you...Haiz...