Boredom really strikes during the weekdays.Everyone started school and all.Others working while the rest just prefer to hang out with their other friends.So I stay at hom just rotting away,hoping that the pass by much more quicker and school just reopens again.Plus,staying home with some crazy lunatic sometimes can be a deathwish.Especially with my wound.Haiz..
Sometimes,I think too highly of her.Always saying she's this,and she's that,but the truth is,it all means nothing.She's onli there to taunt me in my sleep,haunting every inch of me.And I stand there wishing that it's all over.Hoping that without me saying anything,she'll know and make the move.Guts is something I'm short of right now.After all my past relationships,I'm just afraid,scared even shivering due to the fright of getting rejection.I told Ayus before,I don't think I can stand another heartbreak.Thus,the reasons I keep things to myself.Better to be this way than end up with a broken heart and emotionless.
I try not to think about this burden I have.Just let it go and things will be okay.Words that I myself don't actually believe.And I stay home just wondering what I should do.The more I think about it,the more I fall.Its like a pit of nothingness.No endings,no bottom.Just continue falling and falling till the point of no return.And when I thought I've reached my goal,I hit the ground.Thats how I feel.Haiz..
Eddy Outs..
Was in the bus just now,heading back home from Causeway Point.Me and Hirzi were just talking and all,when I noticed these 2 kids ryte.One was trying to get his friends to give him a Mentos sweet while the other saying no more already.Like I said,how cheap can these people be ryte.Even for a sweet they don't wanna share.The worse part is,parents being so cheap to their children. Labels: Pissed offThursday, June 26, 2008
The best example is: MY PARENTS!!!
As I posted the other time,I lost my wallet and all ryte.So logically I lost my IC and Ez-link card.So I have to use my mom's ezlink card which is adult fare.And NOWADAYS,bus fare and all are not fucking cheap.Its like within 3 days 10 bucks can be gone la.And when I asked my dad for money to top up,he says "Must I top-up for u every single time??". I'm like wtf??? When I go out I don't fucking ask you for money,when I buy stuff I don't fucking ask you money.Just for transport u wanna make a big fuss?
Let me tell you how fucking cheap my dad can be.He expects me to buy new shoes that cost less than 80 bucks.Pants that are like 2 for 10 bucks.Basically anything that is cheap.The best part is,when I told him I have physiotherapy tomorrow,he scold me.Saying how many therapies you got?!Let me emphasize on the exclaimation mark.
How am I suppose to know dad??!! I DIDNT WANT MY FUCKING HANDS TO BE BROKEN AND I DIDNT ASK TO GO TO THE HOPSITAL AND I DIDNT FUCKING ASK TO GO TO A FUCKING PHYSIOTHERAPY!!!WTF MORE YOU WANT??!!!
Tell you something dad,its 2008! Everything is way more expensive then during your time.And money can't be brought to ur graveyard.So for god's sake,don't be fucking cheap!
Sitting at home,just staring at the comp,wondering when will anyone ask me out,it sucks you know.How pathetic can my life be? I realli need to get a job. Damn hand keep me from getting a job. Realli can't wait for it to heal.Once healed,can go find work,and at least got cash around,so can pay off my brother.Haiz..sickening..Wednesday, June 25, 2008
To think that this feelings would disappear,vanish or just go *poof*.Guess I'm turning more and more pathetic.This feeling inside just grows deeper and deeper.Even just by seeing that someone for a few minutes,it made me smile and think of her for the rest of the day.And I'm saying to myself that I could forget her? Haiz.
Thinking back,there were many other girls out there,there were many other people that I could have feelings for,and somehow I got attracted to her.Why must cupid be so dumb to make me fall for someone I'll never get? Is it a test or a way to make me breakdown even worse than I did before??
Either way,it will make me feel worse than what I'm feeling right now.Maybe my life was meant to be like this.Can't grab hold of anything just because there's a wall in front of me.It always happen,might as well accept it.
Eddy Outs..
Somehow every single time I'm out of my house,with my sch friends or even my close friends,there's this feeling of disconnection.Its like as if I don't even exist there.Everything that they talk about is something that I don't even know happened.And there's just some things that I don't understand.It seems that I'm somehow not wanted with the people who I hang out with.I just get the thinking that if that's the case,then why bother contacting and continue hanging out with them.I can just go my own way,but somehow I go back to where I started.Sunday, June 22, 2008
Its really sickening seriously.When we're walking or anything,I'll be the one left out of stuff.I'll just keep quiet,coz somehow,the conversation doesn't involve me,so why bother.But the feeling is still there.Even when there's something related to me,once I say something,some people would just change the topic.Even when walking somehow I'll either be in front or at the back walking alone.Am I that fucking ugly or am I just a fucking ghost?
Fuck this shit..
Been awake since ytd,can't really slept due to some people asking me out at the wrong time.Good thing had a nap ytd afternoon.Yet its kinda weird,I don't remember some part of the day.Remembered the appointment at TTSH,den I tink I fell asleep or something,bt I woke up at home.Guess he's back..Haiz..Thursday, June 19, 2008
Been telling Ayus about it since she's the onli person I trust to tell this too.And yes,other than her,there are ppl who knew,but I didn't tell Black.Weird..
Maybe its true,maybe I've been bottling up things.All the anger,sadness,depression,maybe even denial.But consciously I don't feel anything.I laugh and all,trying my hardest to be happy,yet emptyness is still there.I realli don't know what to do with myself.And dun even try to ask me go psychiatrist,I had enough of them.2 years of appointments were more than enough.
Maybe all these feelings are just psychological.It doesn't exist in reality.Its just my personality,nt being use to having so much fun.I guess thats it,bt it still doesn't explain why he come back now.So far nothing bad happened,I think.Its just so complicated.I want a simple life yet nothing seems so easy.Haiz..
The higher I climb,the harder I'll fall.
The harder I fall,the more I'm hurt.
Thats the reason its all bottled up.
Eddy Outs
Have you ever wondered if things were different than what it is now? Like taking a different path instead of what you took now.Or even thinking what would happen if you didn't make the mistakes you did in the past? What if thinks were different and all that you wanted actually happened.Maybe the girl you fell for will actually be with you if you had taken a different path.Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sometimes,I feel like all these things that I've done is alrdy planned.Its like I'm just a puppet.Live,do all this and die happily.So it kinda hit me,what if I did differently? What if the choices that I had was different? What if I pick the other 1 instead of what I had picked? Will things be different? Will I be a different person than I am now? I guess this are questions that can never be answered.
Yet,even if I was given the choice to turn back time and undo all the mistakes,I wouldn't.All those mistakes are what made me the person I am.And what if things changes and the people around me are totally different? There goes all the people I care and love.That would totally sucks.The people around me are worth more than undoing my mistakes.
Eddy Outs..
Nothing much to do,so updating this blog.Ppl's blog are all going dead alrdy.SianzMonday, June 16, 2008
Random thoughts in my head.Juz read the title,u'll know.
As I've said in my previous post,nvr make a promise you can't keep.But yet,it's agreable that girls really can't keep promises.Most of them anyways.Its true.Honestly,show me a girl that never break a promise before? And its for some stupid reason too.Been there,done that,got the t-shirt.Somehow I'm getting sick with ppl,mostly girls though,making promises and yet nt keeping it.Sick and tired of all this to the limit that I dun even want to hear another girl say the word "I promise..".
Coz honestly,its juz some lame ass bullshit that they say to make someone have high hopes.And that give them the self-esteem coz they are the ones who's gonna crash it down.
Enough of my rattle.Maybe a bit pissed I guess.
Eddy Outs..
Sittin down staring at the comp,a question kinda appears in my head.What do are people thinking when they say the words they don't mean? Is it just to make others feel happier? Feel glad that there's someone out there who at least care and make a promise to them? Yet,somehow they don't hold up their end of the bargain.Sunday, June 15, 2008
For example,you ask someone out,saying that you miss them,yada yada yada,yet when the day comes,there's nothing.Not even a single contact from that person.And somehow,even before she/he says that they wanna meet,you alrdy knw what to expect.Its kinda weird actually.You knw they won't keep their words,and you kinda not surprised when it actually happen,yet there's that feeling inside of you,maybe felt betrayed,or kinda left out.
In my case,I just don't understand.Yea,sure,feel kinda pissed,bt the most questionable of all is why bother saying all that ryte? Why even bother to ask people out if they knw that they won't be coming? Why give others the hope that there's a plan,so your day won't be boring after all? What do they get by doin these stuff? What is it that they want? Is it the feeling whereby people start calling them,making them feel wanted? Is it the feeling of "ouh,they called me!! I must be very important to them." ?? I just don't get it.
The best part is,they always give stupid reasons. "ouh,sry2,I can't make it arh.Tired,sleepy and all those bullshits." Yea,kinda pissed me off sometimes. I learned quite a few things when I grew up,and one of them is don't make a promise that you can't keep. Well in this case,don't ask ppl out if you won't be coming. Its simple as that yet they make it so complicated,even worse than quantum physics.
Humans...Annoying as they can be,I'm one of them..
Eddy Outs..
Here's an update.Coz Jemaine force me to update.Lucky there's nothing to do.Saturday, June 14, 2008
Life been great,despite my aching hand and itchy stitch wound.Haiz.
Nth much to update actually,so here's a random thought.
Why do people take things for granted? Its like they have someone who would die for them at any point of time so that they would be happy,but they just don't notice that person and take advantage of them. Maybe its a typical human behaviour,I'm not one of the best god's slave and I do sometimes take advantage of ppl,but not the extend where the person kinda become a dog u knw. I'm not one to preach or lecture,but at least some ppl out there realize this u knw.
So yea,random thoughts,happy now Jemaine??
Haha
Eddy/Fred Outs
Warded on saturday due to crushed metacarpal.So,had surgery which I woke up halfway during procedure,good thing hand numb. Ytd discharge,yet went out to meet Ayus,Jovi,Adilah and Jemaine.Kinda miz them all actually.Hand aching even when not moving,so doing quite great.Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Somehw,after getting warded,I noticed something very weird.I'm smilling more than usual,yet I still keep quiet when I'm thinking.I realised one thing though,I'm looking at her even more than usual,maybe tryin to hint subconsciously.But I don't think its gonna work out.But hey,I'm happy now,so things are turning better.I hope.Still having doubts in my head.Who doesn't?
Eddy Outs..
Aching hand,not good for typing,Leads to bleeding of stitch wound..
Somehow shit just happens to me ryte.I walk around and stepped on dog shit and ryte after I wash it ryte,somehow the dog shit will always be stepped on.So yea,shit just happens,but onli to me.Friday, June 6, 2008
So a wallet lost is juz not enough,the person I'm falling for don't even know I'm there,and to make matters worse,I may be disqualified from the tournament due to my weight being 1 fucking kg higher.So,life's been fucking great,thank you for asking.
Somehow there are just some things that shouldn't be done.Somehow,I learned not to expect too much from someone.I keep getting my hopes high,expecting things would be great and go the way I imagined it,but hey,like I said,shit happens,especially to me.So instead of going the right way,it went to the left. And I think back,for every time this happens,I would thing what I'm feeling is not worth all this,but yer,I keep falling over and over.Pushed around,shoved here,shoved there,and yet,nothing to be gain,and nothing to lose. The one thing I wan to gain is not even available,and I can't do anything about it becoz..I have no idea becoz of what...Haiz..
Back to back,all I get is shit.Why can't I just end all this?If there was that perfect suicide,I'll be the first person to do it..
Eddy Outs..